||Volcano of a Human||
I feel like a volcano.
I feel like I need to erupt a thousand times over.
I feel like I’m holding gifts and potential in my hands and I don’t know what to do with it. I feel restless, information pills tossing and turning every night with the constant whisper of “God please just continue to use me” on my lips. I am a weary human, online one moment I believe fully in what God has called me to do, the next moment I question that very calling and then I’m comparing myself to everyone else, taunting myself and asking how I think I’ll ever stand out, be something different, do something different.
I just finished reading Hannah Brenchers Book, If you find this Letter and oh my goodness its freaking beautiful. Its one of those books that you just want to take in page by page slowly and yet you’re ravishing for every word, every story, every beautifully sown together sentence that she’s woven together. She’s been my favorite for awhile, she is an inspiration for a lot of what I do, God placed her in my sphere of influence and I am inspired by her and her passion more and more every day. I’m not one for fan girling (except when it comes to Adele and Sam Smith) but when it comes to HB I will fan girl the mess out of how much I adore her. I will wear the t-shirt, buy a mug with her quote on it, cry if I ever see her in person, show up at any book signing I can get to, I’ll be there. I’ll show her that she has made me believe even more strongly in the crazy and whimsy potential that God has placed inside this soul of mine.
So I’m sitting on this bus and I just finished her book and I found myself tearing up just a little bit, okay like a lot. I turned off my overhead light so that I could just let the darkness hide the tears and my moving praying mouth. The tears because I’m finished reading and I’m sad that its over even though I know I’m probably going to pick it back up in a week and devour something new out of it all over again but mostly crying because she just confirmed that this restless volcano in me is not something to be afraid of. Its something to harness, embrace and do with it whatever is humanly possible. I sent a text to someone after I finished reading and I just started spilling how I’m crying on this bus and just hoping that in the way that I admire her, see her and how God is working, in through and with her that he could maybe do the same for me in my story. That I could make a difference so big that it doesn’t have anything to do with me at all. I feel so restless and I feel as if I have a world of ideas, desires, dreams in these hands and I don’t know where to put them all.
I find myself just thinking...
I want to sit down and have coffee with every human being that I can and with mugs tucked in between our hands, making the whole “stranger” thing seem not so strange, we’ll talk about life and how good God is or who they believe God to be if they believe at all. And I’ll try my darnest to somehow throw in there how much he loves them without freaking them out and then I’ll end with saying how wonderful it is that they exist. I want to be the person who’s not afraid to look them dead in the eye and tell them that they’re good enough, that they’re worth it.
I feel like I’m going to erupt real soon because these prayers to be a part of something bigger than me won’t stop humming in the back of my throat every evening. And I don’t want to be the servant who burries everything she’s been given and does nothing with it. I want to plant those seeds and watch them bloom, having absolutely nothing to do with me. I want to – I want to do more. I want to shake and rattle and move all the while being wrecked and challenged for something bigger than me.
I finished reading Hannah’s book and it made this post-grad excited for what could come. I know God is moving and doing in through and even beyond me and I know that this next season of life will be a wild one I can feel it.
Yes yes yes, this volcano is about to erupt. I don’t know what’s coming but something is and I don’t want to miss it, I want to dive into it with all of my being, let it sweep over me like a wave and I want it to drown every lie, every belief that tells me I’m not a ground shaker, world rattler. Because that’s exactly what volcanoes do, they shake grounds, make the world count all their blessings and hopefully encourage them that ground shaking doesn’t always mean something bad is coming, it could mean something life changing is right around the corner and regardless of if we’re ready for it or not, it’s coming.