|| January ||
Perhaps this is something I am learning about the creative, prostate freelancing, information pills entreneuer life--- that like everything, there will be stages and there will be seasons. The season that I am crawling myself out of is one of doubt, one of insecurity, one of uncertainty, one with a resounding “I give up.” I was burned out from all the jobs, activities and constantly hustle and all things that didn’t bring me life. My feet have been teetering on the edge of a lot of things lately.
On the edge of creating but the other half of me doing whatever mundane means necessary to take care of adult things. Half of me passionate and thriving and in other spaces completely shutting down and losing myself. This is not a healthy balance. This is not balance at all, in fact it was more like teetering on the edge of insanity while having one foot secure and knowing what calling feels like beneath you. And I’ve seen, that when you are consumed with busyness and things that do not give you life on a daily basis, you will lose yourself and you will lose sight of what you’re purpose is.
I think that the closer we find our knees pressed deep into dirt, is the moment when the rising victory will be the reason we keep going. I think that when we raise our white flags, surrender our plans and expectations is when God whispers, “Finally, now look what I have in store for you.” I would like to think that I am entering a season of rising. Rising from the mentality that I’m a post-grad and I can’t do very much without pursuing the practical. Rising from the doubt that I wasn’t called to go against the grain. Rising from the unrealistic expectations I put on myself and God.
I have a lot of friends right now, specifically a lot of creative friends who are going through some rough transitions and a lot of self doubt. And then it hit me-- OH MY GOODNESS WE’RE BEING USED FOR SOMETHING EARTH SHATTERING. Because the enemy knows---that’s exactly how he could get us to doubt what we know God has called us to do. The only way he could get us to not believe in ourselves is through causing us to no longer believe we are capable of doing something gosh darn wonderful in this world.
These past few weeks have been absolutely NUTS for me. I told God, okay that was a fun little test drive with poetry and all that stuff but now it’s time to be practical and get real. I assumed that meant something like, okay it’s time to go live back at home or it’s time to get a “real” full time job but oh no, that’s not what he meant by let’s get real.
I quit one of my jobs last week. I just kept getting this really tugging “I’m not supposed to be here” type feeling so after my two day shifts that week, I sent my two weeks notice via email that friday. You know how they responded? Something along the lines of “Well this is crazy, but we need more full time people as you know we’ve transitioned to a different system and we know that you are stretched in a few different directions and want to focus on your creativity so this is the perfect segway for us both.”
All I could do was chuckle, either I was going to finally put that aside to make room to write, create and perform more or God was going to push it out of my way instead. To make room---he simply wants to make room for the things that make our blood rush. He wants to make room for the goodness he has in store for us. Why do we fight it? Why do we hold onto something just because it seems stable or what we’re “supposed” to be doing?
Whatever is igniting you right now, please do not be afraid to go unapologetically and fervently pursue that.