Day Fifteen || 30days30minutes

I'm entering into another year of life and that always makes you all reflective right? Tonight, I am overwhelmed with the gratitude of the people that God has plopped into my life at thee most perfect times. I have been blessed with overall really awesome people in my life but even more so really awesome mentors and older people who it is so easy to look up to. I have had people who have LITERALLY let me cry on their shoulders when I found out I wasn't going to graduate "on time", or over coffee when I had to admit that I wasn't coping in healthy ways.  People who have told me about the truth of who I am and helped me heal from heartbreaks in the front seat of their cars.  People who have raced me to hospitals at midnight and cut tension of silence when both life and death are present in one place with truth that has struck me to do this day, "You know... you don't have to be strong right now." People who have encouraged, seen, heard me and loved me still.  Like most twenty-year olds just barely comin' in kicking to this strange, big world -- finances. Are like not really a thing. Unless that's just me... Trying to "budget" just looks like how can I get through this month, pay everything and still manage to eat? To say that I have stretched what I have been given is a very big understatement. My mom says that we live a life a manna, always just enough, not any more, not any less and it comes exactly when you need it. How I've managed this far honestly BAFFLES me -- but ah yes, CAN'T HE DO IT?!

This week, I had to admit that I wasn't doing well-- that I needed time and had to ask for grace I didn't think I deserved. I tried to pay my utilities and then had to tell my "landlord" aka a really awesome human that I had to cash a check first but would send it after. "Isn't being an adult great?" "No." I said, "it's the absolute worst." THEN he went and laid on the wisdom real THICK (you might want to screen shot, copy this down, or re-tweet this because, IT'S GOOD, real good and I can't take any credit for it.)

"It gets better I promise. I hit rock bottom multiple times, scraped by with working meaningless stupid jobs. Did things for meal sand not for good purposes like creating beautiful art films.

And then one day it just begins to change in your favor.

The good thing is, just because you don't have money in the bank doesn't mean you're a failure. It just means you're a human and sometimes you have money and sometimes you don't. My favorite quote,

'a smooth sea never made a skilled sailor.'"

WELL DANG.

A few posts back I mentioned how these seasons, these stretching, challenging, uncertain season are necessary for the bettering of who we are. The rocky seas, the storms are exactly what we need in order to know how to navigate through this isn-storm of life sometimes. How do we know what we deserve if not because of the example of what we didn't? How do we know when to walk away from something that wasn't good for us to be in if not because we had to experience the "bad" first? We need these moments. I need these moments, of knowing what scraping looks like so that I never get comfortable with earthly 'provision" (but I mean.... a comma in those numbers every once in a while would be SO LOVELY) I digress.

The last thing he said to me was,

"Don't ever underestimate the power of 'falling forward.'"

hm Falling forward. In day eight I talked about how the falling is inevitable but the real meaning behind falling is to determine how to get back up and get back up strong. I think we assume if we're falling then we either 1. go backwards  or 2. stay where we are. Falling forward gives us the confidence in the fact that there is power in the falling because we will be stronger when we get back up. I have been trying to hustle and work as much as I can just to make it but I don't let myself rest even a little bit, I think "treating yourself" means trying to get to bed before 2am and I keep thinking that I need to say yes to every job that comes my way. I haven't had much patience nor grace with myself lately.  So I mentioned in day eight that I was in the midst of reading "Rising Strong" by Brené Brown and her words just on top of being absolutely awesome are also extremely encouraging so I will end with this and hope you feel encouraged too.

“...sometimes when we are beating ourselves up, we need to stop and say to that harassing voice inside,

"Man, I'm doing the very best I can right now."  ”

Do the best right now, with what you can and with what you have.

Be willing to show up and have a little more patience with yourself.

You're doing the best you can and that is more than okay.