If you must feel, then feel.
If you must write, then write.
That’s my remedy for 11pm on a two jobs worked Wednesday.
While driving home from nannying, I decided to play a friends “FEELZ” playlist. Honestly, it narrowed down to either her playlist or my own titled “All the Feels”.
This isn’t new news or surprising news but --- Hello, my name is Arielle and I’m a feeler.
A deep one, a frustrated one some...most times. Usually I reprimand my feelings, I try to put them on a timeout, attempt to close the door and pretend I don’t hear the countless times they ask me if it’s time for them to come out yet.
My “teenage angst” could easily be summed up with this image:
listening to John Mayer's “Dreaming with a Broken Heart” over and over again in the dark, while laying in the middle of the floor. My sister would come in the room, aggressively turn on the lights (who would have thought that flipping a little switch could come off aggressively but you would be surprised) and say, “WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?” WELL a lot clearly has changed because I didn’t know then and I don’t know now. I just know I feel very deeply and all of the time. It’s exhausting honestly to always carry around feelings yet have your mouth repeat, “I’m fine. It’s fine” and only a few friends would know that when those words escape my lips ---I’m really not fine.
I was talking to a friend the other day about how I hate having crushes, or romantic interest in people because well, it’s just tew much. I don’t know how to have feelings in the inbetweens and the unknown. I have a tendency to want to just dive in all the time, head first and it’s not till after the fact that I’m standing there drenched with no towel, that I think maybe this wasn’t the best thing for me to do. Because now pieces of my heart are just chillin’ out in the open and it seems as though everyone is just passing by them.
I fall in love quickly with people, places and things and think maybe I should just stay. This is both a blessing and curse (like most things are) because sometimes, these “feelings” compel me to stay in places where I didn’t need to be for that long. Or I fall for people who just aren’t ready or even supposed to catch or hold me in the first place. This makes for a lot of broken hearts, pieces to pick up and somehow, at some point risk it all again. It gets hard not to get hardened, not to shut off your heart's gates at any sign of interest because what if I invest and it blows up in my face again? What if I mess up? What if I do something wrong and I am left with more guilt, should haves and what ifs than I am with closure? What if I just feel too much for people? What if I just feel too much?
I’ve become content with my feelings more so than I usually am. I fight with them less, though I do still try and put them in corners. They’re the reason for these poems, for these blogs, for the music that is slowly trickling out of this mouth and these fingertips. They are the reason for the captions that are probably longer than they should be and the rants that spill out of me.
They are the reason I think about people, friends, family and strangers, they are the reason that I pray for them and or send them a text.
These feelings---that I sometimes wish were not mine to feel are the reason I know when grief is in the room, when I can feel when someone else around me feels heavy.
Being a "feeler", is the reason I let people know hey I see you. I see your hurt and it’s okay to have that. To take every necessary sobbing session in your car, in your room, in the line at the grocery store wherever, have those moments they are not here to ruin you, they are here to make you stronger.
America is horrible with knowing how or when to grieve.
We have the ceremony, eat the casserole and go back to work the next day.
We, all humans and all feelings, have tried to somehow negate that part of us.
The parts that feels and feels deeply. Instead we argue, we prove who’s right and who’s wrong. We become opinions instead of necessary shoulders to cry on. We have been told that these feelings are signs of weakness, that they are unwanted and unnecessary.
And I think this is why I have become okay with my feeler self.
This is why I remember how necessary it is to come with my Dreaming with a Broken Heart and Chasing pavement feels when that is all I can offer.
This is when I remember how important it is to lament.
To stop, really and truly stop.
Let ourselves be overwhelmed with feels and grief and let healing grow from those beautiful moments.
If it hurts, then let it hurt.
When it begins to heal, let it heal.
I randomly came up with these lyrics the other day (i’ve been doing that ever since writing the first lyrical part for Human. I would say it’s random but God has been constantly stirring music into my creativity for the past couple of months but I digress, that’s a different post). I wrote them with a friend in mind but honestly, I think I wrote it for really anyone who’s a little hesitant to allow the floodgates to open and the feels to run wild for a bit.
I know that you’re hurting// I know that you’re trying to keep it all inside// I know that you’re breaking//but this is not something you can hide//just let it happen//just let it happen//just let it happen//and when it all feels like it’s crashing down//when it all feels like you don’t even know what is solid ground//when you feel your knees given in//i’ll be there to catch you when you fall//i’ll be there to catch you when you fall