So tired that I’m crying as I write this because that’s really all that my very little bit of energy can muster up, tears.
Tears of exhaustion, tears of fatigue, tears from an anemic who drinks more coffee than there is blood running through her veins because she’s just trying to keep up...
Trying to keep up with the hustle, trying to maintain the, “I’m only twenty-four! I can handle this! All night all day!” I can exercise, eat well AND get enough sleep for a normal human being. Maintain the fact that my brain and body feels as though they both split into five different directions depending on what job demands most of me that day. Maintain socializing, go to the party, bring the gift, schedule coffee date, schedule coffee date, don’t drink any more coffee. Ignore all the feels and keep telling myself "I don’t have time for a relationship" or to even pay attention to another human being, even though something craving companionship tugs deep within me.
I am tired.
But I’m even more tired of continuously talking about how busy or how tired I am! But you know, it is hard not to talk about what your reality is, isn't? You can attempt to separate it but someone is always going ask how you’re doing and you don’t always have enough energy to say anything but I’m tired. But then of course you you try to throw in a “but i’m so good!" in there just to make sure they don’t think you’re falling apart. Because you’re not falling apart, you’re just teetering on a very thin line of purpose, passion, calling and just do what it takes to pay the bills. It is the weirdest and extremely frustrating line to be on. Because you know exactly what you want to spend all your time, energy and passion on and yet life demands more and all of you in about 50476984358734 different directions.
Find the balance.
My mom told me today, “know what's essential and what’s necessary.” I told her that everything feels essential and necessary she says, “you have to focus on the musts not the coulds.”
I must go to sleep vs. I could just work for another two hours and be sleep before 1am.
I must say no to yet another social gathering because I really could just use a few moments to just hear my own thoughts again.
I must take time to write vs. I could just run the same three poems into the ground until they just start to perform themselves.
You must focus on the musts, not the coulds.
I cannot count how many times in the past few weeks, well actually past few days that people have asked me if I’m taking care of myself. When my supervisor at the coffee shop I worked at asked me the other week I told him, “This week? Not so much. But I’m trying.”
I’m trying, I’m trying. I’m trying to find balance amidst my own self created chaos, I’m trying to sleep more, do better, make priorities and set aside all that isn’t. However sometimes I think I confuse trying with mentally attempting to do so yet somehow still managing to slip back into what I’ve been doing all along.
TBH. Right now I just keep taking each “take care of yourself” plea and giving it to other people as if I were this really inspirational human being who has mastered it. Passing out "Take care of yourself" goody bags as if I were Ellen Degeneres. I’ve made it this cute instagram statement, that I think is empowering to say to other people because then maybe I don’t really have to figure out what it means for myself. But I do and I know I do because I will exhaust all my adrenaline by the time I’m 30 if I keep going at this pace, if I keep drinking coffee like it’s an IV in my veins and pretending that sleep doesn’t apply to me.
Don’t run yourself to the ground.
I’m saying this to myself more so than I am to you.
I know I have a tendency to do the opposite of that a lot. You know share my story, express a tidbit of struggle and then wrap it in a bow to hand to you like I’ve figured it all out--- I have not figured it out all out. That's probably why I keep tying it all in a bow and handing it to you in inspiration, call to action and empowerment because then maybe I won't have to come to the realization that I don't have it all figured it out.
Everyday is a chance to find better balance, to give out more no than yes, to do all the things my body will thank, not curse me for.
Find the quiet tucked into every bit of chaos and try your best not spin around too much in your own hurricane to where you can’t see that honey, God has already calmed the storm.