|| Moving Mountain||
She looked me in the eye, asked me how I was doing and followed up with asking if I was taking care of myself. (I almost feel as if everyone who knows me is conspiring some type of intervention for me; starting with asking “Are you taking care of yourself?”) Then she grabbed my arm with the most sincerest urgency and looked me in the eye and said, “I can’t wait until the moment you realize that you are a freaking moving mountain. I can’t wait until you realize that this is not just some fun thing you’re doing. You are saying powerful words that are changing people's lives. I can’t wait for you to get that.”
I heard what she was saying but it wasn’t until three days later when I was finishing up a photoshoot for my EP that I really grasped it. My team and I were excited with how everything turned out, tired and ready for all the food. So we piled up into a car and spent way too much money on tacos. When we got back to my interns car, her trunk was popped open and one of her windows were shattered. There were papers pulled from her glove compartment scattered all over the floor. Her computer bag and everything in it, including her computer and my keys were stolen. It took us a moment until the realization of it all settled in and the freak out happened. Once it did, we immediately called the police and of course our parents and tried to handle the chaos before us. It was scary, my intern felt violated and I didn’t know how I was getting home.
How do you end a day like that? I felt attacked, I honestly I was feeling attacked that whole week like someone was prowling, waiting to stir up something. As if someone, something was lurking and plotting on how to hinder what I was finally trying to walk boldly in. It was just a photoshoot I kept thinking to myself, what harm is that? And then I thought back to the shoulder grab that demanded all my attention just a few days before and the words that came with it, “when are you going to realize you are a moving mountain?”
It wasn’t just a photoshoot, it was a physical declaration that I am doing this. For the past ten months I honestly think I have lived in a lot of denial and a bit of fear in regards to how much bigger these words are than my human self. They are massive, they carry more weight and more power than I allow myself to believe partially because I realize they don’t really come from me and secondly because that they terrify me sometimes. They’re beyond me, above me, bigger than me. It is terrifying to carry fire on your tongue and equally still feel as though you are not “qualified” enough to tame it, to ignite it and truly, I’m not. That’s why I have to lean on him because they’ll knock me down.
Someone emailed me a few weeks ago asking how it was that I do what I what I do now. Meaning do all things involving speaking, doing poetry, encouraging etc. I had to chuckle a little when she asked because she followed up with, what classes did you take? What training did you have? I told her straight up, I didn't take a class or have an internship. I’ve come to learn that when something is your calling, you're already equipped to do it you just have to be willing to fall into it!
I guess after all the running, after trying to tie this gift up in a little box of confetti and fun, God had to show me the weight and power of what it was I was creating and saying yes to.
Lately he’s been talking with a lot more urgency, “this is not fun and games, yes you will enjoy it and it will bring you so much life but this is not for fun, I’m not doing this to amuse you, I am equipping you to bring people to me, to show my love in a way that will tug at their hearts and pull them closer to me. This is a matter of new life and old death, this is not about fun.”
He’s shown me a lot these past couple of weeks, I realized I am burnt out and tired not because that’s the season he’s called me to, but a season I put on myself. I had a moment a few months ago where in my head I had someone come to the conclusion that poetry was stagnant and probably going to fade out. But in reality? God simply wanted me to be still and prepare for this now very full (I’m really trying to stay away from using “busy”) season. Instead you know what I did? Grab all these other jobs, activities, events to try and fill the stagnant because I am truly terrible at sitting still.
So now here I am, with all these jobs and things to do in my too full hands, meanwhile, my Father, provider and giver of beautiful gifts is facing me with his palms out with all the goodness he had prepared for me in this season. My response? But I can’t take what you’re trying to give me because I have all this other stuff in my hands. That’s when it hits you, that’s when you realize my goodness I should have been still. But you weren’t. So you’re running around trying to complete these tasks and activities that kind of suck the life from you meanwhile dancing beautifully in what he’s called you to do. And yet you’re exhausting and running yourself into the ground because that’s what happens when you keep saying yes.
To what point do you come to realize that you too are a moving mountain?
To what point do we need get to in order to put all the other unnecessary tasks, jobs, even people we’ve become responsible for and finally walk boldly in what we’re called to do?
It takes awhile to come to terms with that concept, you know being a moving mountain. I still don’t think I know what it really means quite yet but I will continue to spend every day learning, listening, pay attention and acting accordingly.
This is my shoulder grab for you, please realize that once you step into it, purpose ---full purpose you’ll shatter this world as we know it.
Moving mountains baby, moving mountains.