|| Let's be real--I'm freaking out||
Here all the daily thoughts going on in my head lately:
I should have a job right now right? I should be able to spew out this really good elaborate plan to every person who is asking me, cheap “So what are you going to do after?” I should know where I’m living this time next week. I should have peace. I should know that the same God who provides for the birds and the bees also cares for me. Yes, I should know this by now and I DO know this. I also know that Sallie Mae is going to be pretending we’re BFFs real soon and start calling me a lot. I know that my plan, my path will not look like my friends—but what WILL it look like? These past two weeks have been a back and forth battle of mentally trying to wrap my mind around “a plan.” Grad School? In home Nanny? Go back to Norcal? WHAT AM I DOING?! And then I start getting really passive aggressive with God, so like…where are we going? Because I have no idea so if you did, a small hint would be really really great.
I told my mentor the other day that it feels like I’m just sitting in the middle of the street waiting for something to hit me, anything to hit me. Just something that will tell me “Hey Arielle, you’re not falling a part, you’re not as much of a mess as you tell yourself, you’re not going to walk off that stage and fall into an abyss of nothing.” I’m going to be completely honest, I get REAL good at being “at peace” with the unknown one moment and the next I’m freaking out trying to find a planner, or just a plan or something stable to hold onto while I feel like everything is shifting beneath me. Everything IS shifting beneath me. Time, transitions, people, my current house, school, everything is moving, changing and or leaving and I’m still here—why am I still here?
Yeah, last night I had one of those "OH DEAR GOD" breakdowns.
One of those—sadness because a dear friend is leaving and I don’t know when I’ll see him next/OH SHOOT I’m graduating in a week/OMG WHERE AM I LIVING? /I don’t have a job after august/I should just go home…I really don’t want to go home -- kind of breakdowns. I had to pause Scandal because I was sobbing so much. Sometimes we just really need to do that more –
be less erupting volcano of a human being and more accepting of Friday night breakdowns
where you sob it out, then get back to the point where you can keep watching Scandal and then sleep real good.
“If you need to embrace that chaos for a bit just so you stay in touch with reality, then do that. However, don’t let it ruin you. Use that good emotional intelligence.” My mentors are the people who keep me sane, the people who remind me that even when it feels like I’m drowning, I am actually not. Instead they remind me that I am fully alive, breathing just fine and way above water. I keep telling people about the shambles that is my “handle on life right now” and every single one of them just says, “It’s going to be good, oh its going to be so good.” None of us know what “it” is necessarily or even what type of definition of “good” we really mean but we know that there’s so much truth tucked into it that breathing is much easier.
If any of you are feeling like you’re treading water on dry land, it’s going to be okay, he’s got you all right?
He won’t let you drown but he does wants us to be patient. To just sit in the middle of an unpacked room and wait until he tells us, “Okay, let’s go.” Also know that if you need to cry it out, Niagara Falls that mess as much as you need to okay?
I know that this week I will 1. most likely not be wearing much makeup because 2. every little thing will make me very emotional. Because well shoot, It’s been five years and I’m FINALLY GRADUATING. And if for some strange reason something happens this week that wouldn’t let me, you better believe I will be sassy walking myself across that stage—I EARNED THIS.
Wow, the place I’ve grown, called home and met the people who I would be glad to do rocking chair life with in the future, is shifting before me, or more so I’m shifting in the midst of everything that will just keep on going. Yes, this is my exhale, a much needed exhale after living this past semester in turbo speed it’s finally all slowing down but my mind is far from resting.
Yup. Ladies && gents, its the week before graduation --> commence all the feels.