It Just Depends on How High My Pride Is That Day.

"You know you can ask me for help right? I know that's hard for you but you can."

"You don't have to be put together all the time"

"You can be weak right now. You don't have to be strong in this moment. You're allowed to be weak."

I have had little angels of encouragement scattered in my life since the day I was born, of this I am very sure. They have whispered to me who I am in the eyes of my creator, they have pushed me and stretched me for the sake of coming to terms with the depth of my own potential, they have loved me more than I sometimes believe I deserve and they have allowed me to be weak.

Yes, they have allowed me to weak. They have held me sobbing with snot, shaking and hysterical, no make up, no words, just a mess. But let me tell you, it takes fire and storm after storm for me to actually admit I need to be held in that place. I will push you away (sometimes literally) just so I don't absolutely break into the fragile pieces I am that I poorly tried to hold together with my own pride.

Someone recently told me, "You know you can ask me for help right? You know you can do that... Ask someone for help?" the majority of time they talked I sat in silence and scoffed in my own mind, If it's not something I can do on my own then I don't need to do it, it's not supposed to happen, just move on to something you can handle. "So I expect you to call next time you need help" they interjected in between my scoffing, I responded to this without a second to even shove it back in my mouth, "I don't know... it just depends on how high my pride is that day." Ouch. And that's when my own words slapped me in my own face. Pride. Pride. Pride. Nothing but pride. I am woman hear me roar, I am oldest child see me do things without asking for help, I am in leadership see me not fall apart while everything around me is pure chaos. When sometimes I should be saying, I am human see me fall. I am human see me weak. I am human see me broken. I am human, see me asking for help because I can't do this by myself. "This" meaning life, meaning being a woman in a world that convinces us we're never enough, meaning being a young adult Christian in a world that wants almost nothing to do with God, meaning being single and going to a private Christian university where relationships are like a thing or something, meaning being HUMAN AND BROKEN.

I asked my parents to help me with my bus ticket this morning and that took a lot of humbling. Because I'm the oldest child and I have to set the example of what being "grown up and on your own" looks like right? When you leave the house you leave.. right? No asking for things, figure it out. Some parents are like that yes, but mine are not...not even close and I could hear them rejoice upstairs after I asked for help because I allowed them to do their job and that's being the best parents a girl could ask for. 

Asking people for rides? Ugh. Don't even get me started.

Telling you I need your help with something? But I don't want to be an inconvenience...

I just want to be the person everyone else depends on.... I don't want to be a burden, I don't want to show weakness, I don't want you to know a big secret... that under all these pretty words and occasionally well dressed outfits and smiles, and carefully edited Instagram photos, that I AM A MESS! I verbally ramble all the time to people who probably have a hard time keeping up, I cry at random things and laugh at really corny jokes, people often have to Heimlich remover an “I need help out of me” but I will willingly give you an unnecessary I’m sorry that I didn’t need to give. I am a mess.

I walked around last night at 10pm to hear out a friend who has been so scared of admitting they’re not okay. Admit that they’re hurting and don’t feel as though they have many to express that to. Admit that they just wanted someone to stop and pray for them. My heart broke mostly because… if we are only a generation who can validate one another through social media likes, we will continue to walk around empty looking for happiness in empty spaces. If we can’t be a people who will stop in the midst of anything and pray for someone, we have to reorganize our priorities.

And if we are so consumed with feeding our own pride that we miss out on those around who are here for us… then we need to find the humble beauty in admitting that we need them. You see, we serve a God who so desperately wants to come to our rescue, who wants to be the hand we hold even though we shove it away.

“But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.” 2 Corinthians 12:9-10

Somehow we missed that there is strength in weakness. Somehow we missed that there is a God who begs to swoop us up and encourages us to melt in the warmth of his embrace. A God who whispers when you are weak, don’t you understand that it gives me the opportunity to show you all the ways that I am strong?

Ah. That’s good.

I am a mess and so are you my friend. And there is peace and a relief in recognizing when we need help. There is a humbling grace bestowed upon us with every new day. Let’s grab hold of it.

I am the first to not practice this obviously but I am trying. My mom responded to my text this morning by saying, “Yes. I knew you needed help. I’m proud you asked. I love you!”

“Baby steps?”

I responded to her.

Yes, she said. Baby steps.