I'm Not A Senior, I'm Just Still Here
In a nutshell: I came into this year straight up frazzled…. and bitter. Yeah, frazzled and bitter. For some reason being in Azusa all summer really just messes with the flow of starting the school year because it feels like you never really left. I entered this school year pretty bitter about everything; not being in leadership, having to come back for another semester after all my friends have graduated, not living on campus, the fact that I have to walk every where, just every thing. My language has consisted of really positive comments such as, “I have no friends”, “I’m a grandma in every class I’m in.” “I can’t even consider dating anyone at APU anymore because they’re all baby children now” and when someone asks if I’m going to any senior related thing I respond with, “I’m not a senior, I’m just still here.”
Yes, I sort of did this to myself due to the fact that I procrastinated on my math requirements because math is something along the lines of personal spiritual warfare. But that doesn’t mean God isn’t still working so actively exactly where I am right now. A lot of people have been telling me this prior to my new found understanding and honestly it sort of pissed me of because all I thought was “Oh, God wants me to never graduate? God wants me to wrestle with this awkward in between of barely even being a part time student and experiencing what ‘life after’ could look like? God WANTS me to have no friends?!” Ha, you can guess that lately my internal monologues have been fairly dramatic.
Recently, I’ve been interning for Fellowship Monrovia and loving it (If there were any reason I needed as to why I’m still here at APU it would be the opportunity to intern for a ministry of dreamers that I have come to learn so much from already and that would be a good enough reason for me) anyway, last night we wrote prayers on the cement of the new building for Fellowships Night service before the carpet gets installed. And there's something about encrypting prayers on the foundation of a new place that excites a little something in you, that communicates a certain message. That message for me was “Right here. You are meant to be right here. Right where you are, right now." Finally...it hit me. I was understanding that this year was not meant to be filled with me pushing down doors that aren't going to knock down (though I tried and can't say I won't keep trying for that May door to come tumbling down) but we can never neglect the fact that God is much bigger than our circumstances or that he can't move in idle seasons...scratch that. There is no such thing as idle seasons perhaps slow and patient seasons but never idle because he is ALWAYS working. And somewhere at the start of this year, I lost sight of that.
The moment of understanding was graced with a moment of peace when last night, as I curled into bed a really simple prayer eased off my lips and it went something like “Lord, you are enough and I am content in you.” This prayer was a lot about letting go, a lot about unclenching my fists and declaring "Here I am Lord" with empty hands, "fill them…or don’t, either way your will be done, your will be done."
Despite my discontent, despite my procrastination, despite my bitterness, I am exactly where I’m supposed to be. It took a lot of heavy sobs to get to that peace but alas, it is settling in this soul of mine.
So here’s to being here. All here. Right here.
Here’s to learning that Gods timing is never late. Learning, that it is under no obligation to fit into our planners and it is perfect, so very perfect.
Lord, you are enough and I am content in you.
Lord…you are enough and I am entirely content in you.