I don't have it all together. Inhale exhale.
I am stressed, and usually I'm really good at recognizing it and beating it to the finish line...but this time around, I guess you could say it snuck up on me. Inhale exhale.
I have been slightly emotional… and a little bit negative. Inhale exhale.
Friends, this is not a blog that I have carefully thought through.
I don't have pretty quotes or really solid scripture verses.
This blog… is the reflection of a broken human being.
Lately, God has just been spiritually wrecking me. In addition to that, the enemy has been attempting to take that wreckage and turn it into something that is negative and not beneficial for my wellbeing.
Honesty moment: for about a week, I would eat a bagel for breakfast and maybe a lettuce wrapped chicken burger for dinner. In between I would have yogurt or carrots some type of small snack. I began regulating my food intake, the quantity and quality of it. I would walk into food places and feel completely nauseous at the smell of it and decide I would be better off not eating. I would stare at other girls in their workout clothes looking all fit and still flawless in their black stretch pants and workout T, and I would judge myself for eating while they looked "good". For a little while, I wasn't engaging in much that gave me life, my writing turned cold and hopeless, I found myself thinking more negatively than I think I ever have. I started controlling any aspect of my life that I could, while everything else around seemed out of my reach. For this occasional control-freak, I was incapable of putting things into the correct orderly fashion on my to-do list or date in my planner.
I have turned more into a frazzled mess than I have a human being.
On Wednesday night, I posted an Instagram with a caption saying, “Right now, there are very few things that I am "sure of" and very few things that I know. But I do know that 1. This ice cream was just as comforting as my afternoon tears 2. I am sure that there is an internal earthquake that God is stirring within me and he's urging me to wait it out patiently, while he readjust & realigns. 3. Stillness on your bedroom floor is sometimes necessary. 4. I know that "Take a moment" on YouTube is a soul soaking song. You should listen to it& I hope it blesses you." This is where I am right now.
I’m not in the high waters of a spiritual journey like right after a really good conference and you’re all fired up. I’m not in the dessert, where I am lonely and searching for God to show up… because he’s here and working through me, in me, around me and I am feeling him move. But it feels like I can see him working and I peer over and start asking him incessant questions, “Hey God…what’s going on? Whatcha doin? What’s that? What’s that for? What are you doing with that? Hey… are you listening? Oh …is that set in stone now? Can I put that in my planner?” the questions are endless, but the answers (at the moment) are limited, and I’m pretty sure he’s been shushing me a few times and telling me to go sit some where and chill out.
The ambiguousness of my future, the applying for Grad schools for the sake of having some type of "plan" after I graduate (whenever that's supposed to be), the stress of my life ending here at APU, transitions, changes, leaving, experiencing "newness", being passionate about so much and not knowing how to tangibly do much with it. The chaos and stress of all those things has shattered down on me and so now, I am in the growing pains of experiencing it all.
Growing pains hurt, they are uncomfortable and leave you restless and frustrated and dazed and ultimately makes you just want to crawl into bed and take a nap for at least a whole day.
See, I am a type-A, sometimes OCD individual who is usually “really in control” (or thinks I'm in control) of what's going on around me but right now, that is not the case. As I said, God is within me storming and earth quaking my expectations, he is realigning my passions and goals and overall "direction in life." It's uncomfortable, nerve-racking and occasionally really emotional. But at the core of that, I know that something will come of this, that answers will trickle next to my question marks soon enough, that this stress of “not knowing” will turn into a peace of just accepting.
I was told recently, that I needed to cope with this “stress” better and maybe not all at once.
That I need to take life one fragile little morsel at a time, enjoy the leisurely things in life, start acknowledging that yes life is stressful but this is just a season, then you’ll experience something beautiful for awhile and then it’ll get stressful all over again. Cool.
Here’s the thing,
It’s okay to stress out.
It’s okay to be a frazzled mess.
It’s okay to just not know much about anything except how good and comforting that ice cream tastes.
It’s okay to sit on your bedroom floor and let out a few tears.
It’s okay to not be okay… this is a recurring statement being said. As if now it’s the “cool thing to say”, but mostly its about being honest with where you are, and not for the sake of other people. Admit to yourself “Hey, you’re not in the best place right now. But that’s okay, because this too shall past.”
So, I end with this:
Remind yourself what Christ meant when he tells us that “the burden is heavy, but my yoke is light.”
What burden are you carrying?
Hold it next to the ease of Christ’s provision maybe it won’t seem so heavy.
Take a deep breath, go for a run or a walk with a friend and just talk about life, be willing to admit that you’re not okay and that it’s okay, eat a carton of ice-cream (or two), sit and listen to some soul soaking music. This is a season and it too…shall past, I promise.