Do More Of What Scares The Crap Out Of You.
Do more of what scares you.
Dare to experience something that hasn’t been outlined in pencil a thousand times over and let spontaneity amaze you.
This is glimpse into what I am currently learning in my life right now.
I almost turned down an internship at my church because I didn’t have a car and it just wasn’t realistic.
I have a long list of “things I don’t even dream of doing because it’s not realistic”, a long list of “things I don’t even dream of doing because the very thought of them scares me so much I stop dreaming about them.”
The week before I came to APU my freshman year, I crawled into my parent’s bed and wept. Heavy, asthma provoking, pillow soaking SOBS in my mom and dads bed. Fear crept up on me with each passing week and it was down to a matter of days before I left my parents house, packed the start of who I was in a van and drove seven hours to experience this whole idea of “college” that people raved about. The thought of starting my own life in a place where I knew no one was scary, so very scary. But eventually, I uncurled myself out of my parents bed and came to APU and oh my goodness, talk about the weirdest mix of “oh my gosh what am I doing here” and “THIS IS THE BEST THING EVER.” It was the worst and the best all at once.
My junior year, I went on a ten day backpacking trip (that I have blogged about before) that was meant for leadership training and finding God in the midst of his creation. Being a non athletic, crippling insecure and anxiety driven individual at the time, the very thought of this gave me nightmares, LITERAL nightmares that I had during the summer leading up to the trip. My physical training was completely driven by fear, the fear of not being “fit” enough, fear of never having stayed in anything but a cabin outdoors, fear of being seen without makeup or forever 21 clothes or the shallow living of a busy city to hide me. It was the worst and the best all at once.
A couple of months ago, I co-wrote and self published my first book of poetry with a friend. And you better believe though it was wonderful, this was definitely on my list of “most emotional, nerve wrecking experiences” I have ever had.
I have come to accept that I have the gift of being able to transform my heart into verbal language but putting it in a book for people to read?! Without me performing it exactly how I want them to perceive it? The most raw and vulnerable parts of who I am available for purchase to people I don’t even know?
*Insert hyperventilating here* because I did that a lot.
I panicked about willingly writing my name next to someone else’s and sending my heart to the hands of Amazon in typewritten font and asking people to please tread softly, with no responses to find peace in. It was the worst and the best all at once.
It was the worst and the best all at once.
It. was. the. best.
All of these are pretty much on my list of, “experiences that almost literally made me pee my pants.”
But you know what? Along with terrifying, they were also life giving, transformational, soul wrecking and BEAUTIFUL.
They helped me find the courage and boldness to be the purest version of myself. They helped me meet people who I got to experience the rawness of vulnerability with in such a rejuvenating way.
Did these scare the mess out of me? Absolutely.
Did it get any less scary even after they happened? Not really.
Was it easy? HECK NO.
…But was it worth it? Good Lord yes, yes, yes and a thousand times yes.
Most times when I experience a really deep gutted fear towards something, it’s usually because God has a plan I can’t even fathom that’s about to unfold.
I put my two weeks notice in for Jamba Juice today so that I could accept an internship for my church. Because my mom told me that “When it’s a door that God opens, its not supposed to be realistic… Trust him and step out of faith, not circumstances.” Faith is scary, because we’re jumping with no real promise that anyone or any plan will catch us. Sometimes Gods plan for us is not this realistic, logically explained purpose for us. Instead, sometimes it scares the realistic out of us, begs us to live a little and pleads that we will be scared out of our wits for the glorious unknown.
Don’t hinder the length of your dreams because of what is or isn’t “realistic”. Don’t limit the spontaneous work of God in your life because you’re afraid to let him move.
So here is my hope, that the Lord scares the mess out of you and wrecks your pretty little comfortable plan and shatters it because sometimes we just need to do more of what scares us. Live a little, breathe deep, find faith tucked deep within your fear and jump dear one… just jump.