Day Ten || 30days30Minutes

I'm not entirely sure how to not turn these posts into journal entires. My journaling since I've gotten older went from elaborate explanations of what my crush was wearing and how many notes we exchanged in class to simply jotting down little prayers.

Lord, please give me clarity.

Okay Lord, I'm kind of freaking out -- what are you doing?! I mean I'm going to follow anyway but like-- can I get a heads up? if you could just take those feelings for him away, that'd be great.

Basically, these blogs, these posts, my instagram captions become little journal spaces for me. That could be both really helpful and also really destructive because these are not secret little pages that I can just close and hide away, they are being read by people some that I know and some that I do not. That's terrifying sometimes but I've also come to learn that honestly these words were never mine to begin with-- so giving them away gets easier and easier.

god has recently been baking me a lot of humble pies.

And i've been trying to shovel it into my mouth without pride trying to convince me that they're not for me.

Yesterday I performed and asked my sister to take photos and video. When I finished, she hesitantly told me the camera wouldn't focus and my phone didn't have enough storage to film the video and I couldn't help but just laugh. It was just one of those sweet little moments where you have to shake your head and remind yourself,

"oh darling, this has absolutely nothing to do with you."

And this is not in a self deprecating way either, it's actually where the expectations and the weight are lifted off of you just a little bit because you realize it's not your job to do the saving. It's not your job to be liked or wanted by everyone. So just sit back, show up, do what you were called to do and love people well,the end.

You see,

For a moment...I was under the impression that I had "made it."

I thought that I had gotten to the place that I wanted to be and I just wanted to ride that wave for as long as I could. I was making enough money to support myself and not drown or stress out about how my rent was going to be paid each month. I could treat people to coffee and not have to substitute it for groceries too. I thought I had made it, I thought my prime had reached my door step and we were going to go laughing into the wind with wine that cost more than $5 because you know, we're "about that life."

And then today-- I left a nannying interview and sat in my car and held back tears.

I sat in my car (that I keep having nightmares is going to get taken from me -- my mind can be really dramatic sometimes) and sent my friend a text and said, "Kayla, I just left this nannying job and I feel sad. I think because I didn't think I would be back 'here' but I am. It's humbling but it's also very sad." And she responded like the wonderful human she is with,

"It's the transition and that's hard but we're better for it. These are humbling experiences and we're better for it. God is doing his work, so we just have to let him."

We're better for it.

We're better through the wrecking, shifting and molding. We're better for the extra pieces of humble pie when we think we've "made it." We're better for the work that he's doing where we don't know what will be coming around the corner. We're better for it.

 To "Better" means to surpass or succeed. Which means that we will go through this process and there's no going backwards and there's also no way you can stay where you are either. It is a constant act of moving forward, a constant state of changing and shifting because you haven't made it yet--- you're not there. And honestly  I think "there" is when we are quiet and at rest in a home that's not earth. I think we've "made it" when we're able to stand before the Big Guy and prayerfully hear, "Well done my good and faithful servant."

I am thankful for the bettering.

It sucks and I kind of hate it sometimes BUT none the less, I am thankful for the bettering.

UncategorizedArielle Estoria