||T W E N T Y - S I X||

 It's been six months since graduation.

It feels as though it's been a lot longer. These past couple months have been the most insane type of chaos, the best kind and then the just straight up messy, volatile kind of chaotic.

I think it was my sophomore year that I knew I wasn't going to further my education with Psychology but then the closer graduation became, the more I found myself panicking. At the beginning of my second senior year (victory lap) I had done more than just dabble my feet into poetry and this creative world so I wondered, what if I took this year to be a creative? Freelance, do what I could to make money but also have the time for what I love to do.

Now that I'm in it--- it sounded so much easier back then. Plus I didn't think it would actually be a thing. I figured God would be like nah you're going to work a full time job and go to Grad School. But I'm not. I'm not working full time at all and though half the time that's really exciting, the other half the time it's just terrifying. Sometimes "work" is really consistent and then I have weeks like this one coming where I don't have much of anything going on. And for me that means I'm not making money so that means I'm losing it and November is creeping around the corner and she's going to have her hands all out and strip me bare -- then the hustle starts all over again.

I'm barely scraping adulthood and I'm already tired of the hustle.

I'm already tired of the doing doing doing and the constant busy.

Maybe I say this because I'm exhausted and my voice sounds like a raspy 85 year old life long smoker and i've been sitting on my bed ever since I got home because that's all the energy I have right now. But I can't help but be overwhelmed with the reality that this is adulthood?! This is what our lives will look like until we stop breathing and get buried in the ground? Can I return this? This as in the adult card I've been given-- I don't want it. I want to learn 2+2 and take naps and complain because some little girl my mom forced me to play with broke my easy bake oven.

I would like to go back to that place but then again, I don't.

Honestly, life right now is good. Honestly, it's really good. If I wasn't stressing out about how to pay rent and all the adult things without a "stable" or "frequent" job I would be just dandy.

I never imagined myself as the free-lancing type. I love buying new planners and pens every time my old one runs out. Lists make me feel in control and on top of "life" I have various calendar and planning apps because organization makes life feel tangible and manipulative in my own hands. I like to know what's coming next and how to prepare for it. Life doesn't always allow us to do know that though does it? It is one giant mass of spontaneity that I think purposely taunts us.

Try to map me out. Try to turn me into something you can control. Try and plan my every day and see how much I make you realize that it's not possible.

And honestly, we don't want it to be do we? I think we get a thrill out of knowing that we don't know what's going to come next and somehow try to pretend we do anyway. We're all just trying to figure it out. We all know that we're not going to know when the punches are coming but we at least hope to be prepared when they do. We don't necessarily care how we pay for the adult things we just want them to get paid for.

It is in these moments where I am face to face with the extent of my humanity.

My limited humanity that reminds me that provision is not in my hands at all but the one who put me here in the first place.