Day Seven || 30days30minutes
So tonight I am feeling a little bit more vulnerable than usual and I'm not entirely sure why. I could be because last night I ranted to you all why it's so necessary to see the beautiful and be okay with your bleeding heart and that just made me tap into my own a little more deeply.
Oh man, I have no idea why this post is going this way-- but I started the timer and this is what is spilling out of me -- so I'm going to let it spill.
Stereotypically poets are all kinds of emotions and feels but it's not much of a stereotype because it's absolutely true. We literally make a living out of stripping ourselves of the walls, borders and protection that we so easily put up and we show the world every bit of who we are. It is both terrifying and life giving at the same time. And sometimes, I try really really hard to just be this little mystery that people have to rubrics cube through to try and understand but I can't. I will meet you for the first time and tell you all of the deepest thoughts tucked into my mind and usually not even second guess if I should have done that or not-- it is both a blessing and a curse.
I have friends who are all engaged, married, having babies--it's that transition in my life where it's all really cool but also really weird. Here's my thing -- I HAVE NO DESIRE TO BE MARRIED RIGHT NOW. Like absolutely none, it doesn't sound even remotely appealing to be completely honest. I love being able to learn and watch the married life from afar (like so so far) and one day I hope that could be something for me BUT for sure not any time soon. However, I would like to go on a date with someone who has pretty eyes, makes me laugh and doesn't compare me to ordering a drink at starbucks (never again ok cupid-- never again. Even though I def tried a few weeks ago but then remembered I actually deleted my account and thought yeah, better not). I would like to hang out with someone and not have this internal freak out if it's "sinful" because I don't know in that moment if I want to marry them. Which leads me to my next thought...
LET'S BE REAL... (beware dating/ relationship rant below)
I think christians are really bad at dating. We either move at a glacier pace because I guess we're waiting for God to say "okay, date this person" or we move way way too freaking fast and think that we're supposed to elope ASAP. All I want to know is, there's a middle ground to all this right? Like it's okay to date someone and get to know them because for that moment it's really good. For that moment, they remind you of how you deserve to be loved, they make you laugh and remind you of your magic that maybe everyone else before made you forget. In that moment, you have conversations that sit with you for months and maybe even years after and shape you into the person you're becoming. In that moment they make God more real than ever before.
I think that we use too many freaking God cards. No, it's not that God doesn't want you to be in a relationship--YOU don't want to be in the relationship. So own up to your feelings and leave God out of it okay? Sometimes, in the midst of us wanting to be considerate of other peoples feelings--we assume that means tell them what they want to hear. FALSE-- NO NO NO. Usually they want to be told the truth. Sure it'll sting but tell them, leave them alone and let them heal. That is SO much better than telling them a lie you thought they wanted to hear in that moment.
With all that being said, my timer is almost up so I leave you with this I guess?
One of my mentors go to saying when she gives advice or comments back to something i've said is--
Take the meat & leave the bones-- that applies here too okay?
Make eye contact with the boy (or girl) in the coffee shop.
Spark a conversation with the person on the metro.
Stay up talking with someone who makes you forget that time exists.
Go on bad dates so you know what the good ones look like.
Protect your heart in the midst of the chaos because it is precious.
Don't let anyone use a God card on you and make you second guess who he is.
Believe that your story is also sparkling with all things magic and that the timing is exactly how it should be.
These are the moments that shape us,
these are the moments that take our breath away.
These are also the moments where the greatest stories are told and who doesn't love a good story?