So I have this desire, this where I want pretty much everything to be this wonderfully put together inspirational message that sparks something in the deepest parts of people.
My mind thinks in captions, I don’t know how to not hear poetry or pretty words in everyday conversation because that’s literally just how I think the majority of the time. It is this complicated, overanalyzed sometimes really insecure but somehow always beautiful place where I function out of. I see the potential of beauty in everything and everyone, even in the “worst” possible scenarios.Basically, I live in the silver lining, I try my best to conduct myself out of the whimsy and hopeful gorgeous of life.
Sometimes, I just want to live a life where Nicholas Sparks realizes he couldn’t even write a story like that. I know, i know, this is a weird (in between) of hopeless romantic and completely out of touch with reality. I am fully aware of this and have analyzed the mess out of why I do or how any of that transcends into the “normal.” I don’t have answers for any of this but I think that the concept of grasping reality all starts with being honest. Being honest who you are, where you are and what’s going on around you.
So that’s what I’m going to do with my remaining twenty-five minutes, be completely honest. Ramble a list of realities and honesty driven statements that come to mind. Ready?
Here we go.
1. I drove up a mountain to write this.
Yeah, I felt restless and uncomfortable in Starbucks so I packed up my stuff thinking I was just “done for the day” and had every intention of going to get groceries and exchange items at Target. Instead, I passed Target and drove up the canyon road behind it. I did the whole Perks of being a Wallpaper situation with my hand out the window and drove with no music. Yup, I drove up a mountain, climbed in my back seat and started writing.
2. The first spot I drove to, a man came to my window, scared the mess out of me and asked if I could move or come back in 15 minutes so that he could take a shower. I said of course and drove away with my lights off as I passed his van and In that moment I was grateful in that moment, I was humbled, I will never forget that man.
3. I am currently in the “middle season.” I am in the messy, uncertain, the weird and uncomfortable. I had to walk away from what I thought was where I was “supposed” to be, doing what I was “supposed” to do. And when it ended, it wrecked me, I sent the email and bawled my eyes out and grieved the whole thing. I am bitter, I am certain and uncertain, restless and at peace all at once. Some days are good and somedays I think I should just pack up, move home and crawl into a hole for awhile and try again in a few months or years. Today though, today was one of the good ones.
4. I spent the past month being a creative for myself and for someone else. That was an experience that helped me truly grasp how much this need to always be creating is absolutely engrained into every part of me. I want to do this for the rest of my life.
I want to write poems and share them with people like love letters, I want to speak and remind people that they are worthy and loved, I want to meet strangers and turn them into familiar stories, I want to help hushed humans find their voice again, help girls to stop looking in cracked mirrors for their beauty and wholeness.
All of that, yes I want to do all of that for as long as I live.
5. Soul ties are a real thing.
They’re not just a phrase we use in snarky, anti-relationship conversations. No, those mother suckers ARE REAL. SO REAL that you can see someone after not seeing them for a year and want to turn around before you walk into meet them because you know you’ll be done for if you do. They somehow make you forget if they hurt you, were a jerk or said something you swore you would never forgive. You find yourself staring at them wondering if their eyes were always that deep, always that breathtaking. Soul ties are the worst type of butterflies because you know that no matter where you are or where they are, there will be a connection between you two so deep that even your bones will feel it.
6. I have poems I need to write and memorize and CANNOT for the life of me sit down and write them. When it comes to writing for events, I admit I am all kinds of sporadic. Yes they get written, yes they are tied nicely with a memorized bow and delivered but shoot, if you knew the (bipolar) process that I had you would question how anything ever got done.
7. I am convinced that I am an after 5 introvert sometimes because I just curl into this internal ball, sip my wine and go to bed and then the other half of me wants human interaction at all times and it energizes me so much that it literally keeps me up at night— what.
8. My emotions for life currently range from excited, nervous, terrified, uncertain, insecure and restless. If anyone has discounted but good counseling recommendations in the SOCAL area, please don’t hesitate to send them my way.
10. I’m really proud of the way that I have slipped into myself lately. I think for so long I tugged, pulled, squirmed in this skin, this body of mine but the thing that seems semi consistent for me right now is that I know exactly who I am. I know what makes me happy and what doesn’t, I know how I want to be loved and how I don’t, I am fully aware of my dislikes and likes, of this body and soul. I am aware of myself more than I ever have been before and honestly that has made me so aware of the one who created me too.
11. Every night (well at least I try to do it every night) I write down 5-10 things I am grateful for. I challenge you to do the same.
Gratitude truly does change how we look at things, people and places, I suppose it helps us all to live in the silver lining.
Welp okay there it is i guess, Arielle honesty in 30 minutes. See ya tomorrow.