|| Life is Weird||
I’m taking an online class, currently not enrolled in any classes on campus at all, stomach I live in a house tucked away from the buzz of college life, finding a job is ridiculous and I have a lot of free time. So much free time that last night, for at least two hours, I filled out... out an application to be an Au Pair in New Zealand for six months…I’m sorry, what? I’m so used to schedules packed to the brim, running from place to place because everything is so close together, eating on the go and sleep being a rare yet necessary treat. I like busy, busy keeps me stable, convinces me that I have a purpose, it makes sense and it’s predictable. I like predictable, I like safe and comfortable, I thoroughly enjoy when I know what’s coming next and don’t have any surprises being flung my way. However, that is not really where I am at all. It’s getting harder and harder to plan my day to day besides babysitting and being an intern, but outside of that there is this mass amount of space that is straight up overwhelming to try and fill.
Life, right now is so very weird.
Apparently, this is how after-graduation is (I WOULDN’T KNOW BECAUSE I’M STILL HERE…but I’ve heard things). This abyss of no job, probably back to living at home, reading and writing book reports because well why not and attempting not to cry everyday because you’re wondering how in such a short amount of time you’ve managed to have no friends, no job and way too much space to think about all of those things. It’s scary; it’s a scary place to be, because somehow it convinces you that you no longer know who you are, what you want to do, or where you want to go in life. It’s a terrifying place, filled with so many possibilities yet simultaneously it seems as if none of them are meant for me.
Yes my friends, life right now is so very weird.
I don’t know how many coffee shops I’ve called or how many cover letters I’ve created. Don’t get me wrong, this is not me complaining I promise, it’s mostly just venting, a lot of venting. That’s what blogs are for sometimes, venting and I’m really good at stringing together some pretty words, tying it together with a bow and handing them to you on this page. But I think for right now, for this one, I just need to vent.
I told someone yesterday that I feel stuck.
I can’t get a “real” job because I still have “haven’t graduated” tied next to my name, I also can’t apply anywhere that my two feet can’t get me because I don’t have a car. I have very few friends on campus so I find myself slowly becoming introverted, and if it weren’t for the one-year-old I get to dance to Taylor Swift with, interning at my church and the handful of other individuals who keep me sane, I would lose it. Lose it because college is winding down, the “after” is coming and as much as I convince myself I know what I’m doing…I have absolutely no idea. I want to pack my bags, grab my journal and just sort of see where poetry takes me. I want to go on a tour as a spoken word artist and spill words on unfamiliar stages, get lost in a city who knows nothing about who I am and meet a stranger with a story I’ll add to my list of things I never want to forget. That all sounds whimsical and Eat-Pray-Love-ish but its not realistic. We always come back to that, don’t we? What’s realistic, logical, we lean on what makes “sense”. I’ve always leaned on what made sense, I don’t stray much outside of comfort zones and I’m not one for spontaneous or reckless behavior because I think too much, overanalyze and carry around this sometimes illogical fear that taking risks automatically means making mistakes and never being able to come back from them.
I was kidnapped by one of my freshman from a few years ago and we talked about boys and what-ifs and she challenged me with questions;
“Do you WANT to live with all those unknowns?
Do you really want to walk around with all those what-ifs?”
I don’t think our answer is ever yes to those probing questions, at least that’s not our intention. I don’t ever want to look back on life and wonder, fantasize or dream about what ‘could have been’. Gosh those what-ifs and could-have-been are the worst because they taunt us. If you had just let go, shimmied off your need to have it all together, your desire for a plan, your resistance to risks and grip on comfort, could this have been something great?
Yes, life is weird, so very weird and mostly because I have no idea what’s happening.
I feel as if I’m in this strange suspension of seasons of seasons and resting in between these two seasons, of knowing and now not knowing, is this season of simply being. Being aware of everything around me, being still, being present, being comfortable with not knowing, being faithful and obedient in the smallest of things, being aware of when God is moving even when I feel stuck, being, a season of being. I’m not so good at that sometimes because I’ve gotten so used to doing. Doing this and doing that. Doing, doing, doing, so I imagine that this is where God picks me up and says, “Dear God woman, just SIT DOWN.”
So I’m sitting, reluctantly and mostly because I have no choice.
I’m sitting and letting the unknown terrify me, rustle me restless and force me to be still with it all at once. I’m sitting, applying to the most random of opportunities, using this space to do what I love to do and letting these next few months be about less what-ifs and more of why not and look at all that I can get my hands on. Goodness, even saying that freaks me out because I find myself thinking, what does that even mean? Where are you going? What are you doing?
And for once, my answer is basically, I have no freaking idea. But I’m going with it, whatever “it” is, wherever He leads, I’m going there. The ambiguity of it all will drive me mad and perhaps could be the most bizarre journey I’ll ever be apart of.
Alright, here goes nothing.